destination unknown

In a month, you can go for the happiest person in the world to the complete opposite. It happened to me. It can happen to anyone.

A month ago, I was at home for the first time since I started college. It was a strange feeling but home still feel like home. I had my boyfriend halfway across the world but we were still together. I had my best friends to hang out with most of the time. And, most importantly, I had my family to support me through everything. I was happy.

It’s funny how time can change everything. A drop in a variable, a dip in a factor, and you’re done for. My first major surprise was thrown at me by my boyfriend. He wasn’t going to college this semester. My whole world was completely spun around. Initially, I felt betrayed. How could he possibly want to leave me all alone? What would I do in college? How would I survive without someone to do everything with? I was on vacation in Austria when this all happened. I tried not to think about it. I didn’t want to ruin the trip. But, not thinking about it made it worse when I got back to college. My phone blew up with texts from him. He was unhappy, he didn’t know where his life was going, he was the furthest thing from stable. I freaked out. I couldn’t deal with everything. I felt abandoned. He wasn’t there for me, and he wanted me to deal with his problems. I didn’t know how to do that. This was my first real relationship, I didn’t know how to do anything right. But, I persisted. Even if it meant crying in bed every night.

Four days ago, my life crumbled yet again. I found out one of my close friends from high school had passed away. I had never had something like this happen to me. She didn’t deserve the fate that had met her. I didn’t understand anything. Life was unfair. Good people shouldn’t have awful things happen to them. A car had hit her, she went into a coma, and then she was gone. Just like that. The shock of feeling that kind of loss took a toll on me. I had dreams about dying in a plane crash. I stalked her Instagram and Facebook non-stop, and cried at every picture. I talked to my best friend from high school about how empty I felt. The next morning, I blacked out and fainted alone in my room. For me, that was it. My breaking point. I was broken both inside and out.

Since then, I’ve tried to make myself better. Pain can’t go away in as day. It stays within you, eating your veins, your cells, and your heart.  It’s impossible to take it out of your system. But, you can combat the pain. I started to let people back in my life- my friends, my boyfriend, my family. Instead of sitting in my room and crying alone, I went out and wallowed in cafes. It didn’t make things perfect, but it made things better. I’m on the road to recovery. Destination..unknown?

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